—I got nothing. Lost it All
—Can't hold down a job.
—Can't pay bills — Can't...—

I'm so messed— I gotta...

It's like drinking and using's The only thing I can do anymore.

I hocked the TV the other day. Jenn's gonna kill me when she find out.

So I'm in the lock-up the other night and this guy Ronnie-the biggest junkie I know-is there too. We get to talking and he's like, "I don't know if you want help or what, but these guys at the Gathering Place are helping me. I'm getting clean." —I guess he'd relapsed, else he wouldn't have been there, butt… He said they have some government funding so even I could go there. I don't know. I don't think anyone can help me. —But if they can help a guy like Ronnie…

Jenn's been after me lately too. Says if I don't do something I'm out. Great. Do what?!

I decided to try this thing and I filled out the paperwork stuff today. Supposed to meet with a therapist next week. They say a lot of people get the help they need. I don't need nothing , I just wanta see how this goes. -Just feeling like lately like I gotta go clean.

Met with the therapist today. Thinks she can save the world- — Try saving me — She was alright though. Said it's not easy or anything but that things could get a lot better if I keep working -That'd be good. Jenn and the kids seem glad I'm doing this. Still don't want me around much though.

So we do this thing called group. It's kind of a relief to hear those other addicts' problems. It's like Thank you for sharing, I thought my life was bad! I'm starting to feel stuff again. Connections. Like these people can relate to me. It's kinda good. They tell me "we're glad you're here." Nice that someone is. I'm still jonesin' everyday.

I relapsed yesterday. Big surprise. It was like everywhere I looked there were triggers, and I'd jones. Didn't go to group today.-couldn't face 'em. I'm sick of lying. Everyone's gonna be mad at me. Man, I feel like hell.

I went back to group today. I couldn't tell them about the slip. But then this other guy starts talking about how he did the same thing a couple of weeks ago. And everyone was cool with it. Seemed like everyone understood. And I got all these ideas for how to deal with the cravings. I felt better after that. — still couldn't tell them though.

They gave me this to remind me incase I get craving too bad.

We just got back from this "intensive days." We took off in the morning in the van and ended up in Moab. We spent like the whole day out there in the desert. I had forgotten how beautiful all that nature stuff is. I was so free. This is corny but, it was almost spiritual or something.

This is defiantly work- hardest I can remember. But it feels like things are progressing. — I can be honest now. -I got a job and stuff. I'm getting to where I have a real relationship with my kids. — Man… that feels pretty good. Thing are moving.

Cindy made this for me today. I almost cried. I'm such a boob these days.

Recovery life is getting better. One day at a time. I've been clean now for 3 month. Jenn and I started marriage therapy and we're learning how to communicate with each other better. Feels good. I'm still not that great at it yet. But with work… They say at group, "Living life on life's terms." And I guess that's what it is. Just keep working. Progress. Never thought I could. — Life now is no cakewalk, but it sure beats the hell outta using drugs and drinking.